Nasta Bazar and Dasha Churko are on the air. In the new episode of the podcast, we spoke with psychologists Mila and Vadim Ivanovsky about family, relationships, divorce, alimony, and why mindfulness is a key factor in making partnership decisions.
What is family? While in the past family meant primarily security and resources, today it takes many other forms. A couple, a couple with a child, multiple generations living together under one roof, or even polyamorous relationships — what matters is how consciously people make choices and are willing to take responsibility for those choices. Family is a form, and relationships are a process, constantly evolving, requiring effort, and going through inevitable crises.
What the episode was about. Timestamps:
We discussed the reasons why marriage is no longer the binding norm in the modern world, and why divorce has become such a normal part of life.
We mentioned the research showing that women in relationships live shorter lives than single women, and men live longer than single men. But in fact, it is the quality of the relationship that matters: people of all genders live longer and happier in happy partnerships. The key is to make a conscious choice to be in a relationship, not to be in a relationship, or to have children.
When a relationship becomes difficult, the question arises: Is it worth keeping, trying to change, or breaking up? And how do we understand whether adultery is a betrayal or a sign of unmet needs?
Instead of honestly discussing their desires and boundaries, many people seek self-compensation with someone outside the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship. However, agreement and honest discussion are the foundation of any healthy relationship, whether monogamous or polyamorous. This is the main difference between adultery and open relationships: honesty, agreement, and responsibility. Being able to talk about your feelings, fears, and desires makes any relationship system more sustainable.
And emotional maturity plays a key role in how people build relationships. Many couples build them according to the usual scenarios they saw in their parents’ families, but over the years they realize that these models don’t always work. Some look for the “perfect” partner who will meet all their needs, but such expectations often lead to disappointment.
The most important thing is to be mindful in relationships: ask yourself what you want and what you are willing to contribute to the partnership. What are we willing to give and what do we expect in return? How honest are we with ourselves about our needs?
If one partner in a relationship expects to dissolve completely into the other, and the other seeks independence, conflicts will arise. Therefore, the higher the level of maturity and self-reflection, the greater the chances of building a harmonious union. When both people understand why they are together, they can not only build harmony, but also cope with the inevitable crises. This applies not only to romantic relationships, but also to friendships, family, and work relationships.
Today’s world offers a wide variety of relationship options: traditional families, guest marriages, polyamory, relationships without commitment. At the same time, it is important for each person to determine which format is right for him or her and to discuss it openly with his or her partner. One of the most important questions is why people enter into relationships in the first place. Often the answer has to do with a search for support, a sense of security, and a desire to grow together. However, when the relationship becomes a burden, it is important to understand if it can be changed or if it is worth breaking up.
It’s important to realize that family and relationships are not just about romance and emotion. They are also about a support system.
In healthy relationships, people help each other grow and give each other space to express themselves, rather than limiting each other with commitments that become burdensome. For example, conscious couples recognize that emotional support and growing together is a process that takes time and effort. Many people mistakenly believe that relationships should be easy and endlessly joyful, but in reality it is work that requires patience and a willingness to listen to each other.
Can the family be a place of growth and not just obligation? Or will it become a source of stress and burnout? It is important to understand your needs, discuss them with your partner, and make a conscious choice. Relationships are not just about feelings, but also about responsibility, support, and growth.
The alimony situation was a major topic of discussion.
Why is it that many male-socialized people (i.e., not so much and not just men, but people who grew up with male socialization) don’t pay alimony after divorce?
There is still a social perception that when a relationship breaks down, the care of the child falls to the mother, while the father “may” distance himself. This creates a serious financial and emotional burden. Many women find themselves in a difficult position, especially if they previously relied on their partner for support. This leads to the question of mindfulness before making the decision to give birth. A woman must accept the reality that she is more likely to be left alone and unsupported with a child if the relationship breaks down. Even if her partner initially promised to be supportive.
We have also considered this mindfulness in parenting. Why do so many families approach childbirth impulsively, without considering the potential complications? We even compared parenthood to a mortgage, a long-term commitment for which it pays to prepare.
Many relationship problems arise because one partner was not ready to take on the responsibility of parenting or initially had different ideas about how to parent.
We talked about divorce and how it is often perceived as a trauma for children. In fact, it can be a new beginning. When a relationship brings suffering, a breakup is not a failure, but an opportunity to start a new life with a conscious approach to choosing a partner. Breakup is not trauma, it is stress. Stress that can become a trauma for a child without support from both sides. So it’s not only important to realize that every relationship takes work, and if the effort only brings suffering, it’s a reason to reconsider its necessity. But in a divorce, it will be equally important for both sides to support the child to ensure that it is not traumatic for the child.
Family in the modern world is no longer just about marriage and children. What matters is not the legal status, but the internal agreements and the desire to care for each other.
The question is not whether your family fits the traditional model, but how comfortable you are in your relationship. The most important thing is to understand your boundaries, your values, and whether the path you have chosen is what you really want.
Relationships should be joyful, but it’s important to remember that joy is not always easy. Sometimes it takes effort, work, and a deep understanding of each other. How we build our emotional and psychological environment is how we build our relationships.
We would love to hear your comments: What stereotypes about family and marriage have you faced? How has your view of commitment in relationships changed?
Find out how to contact Mila and Vadim:
Mila is a psychologist. She works with individuals and groups and actively uses phototherapy in her work:
https://www.instagram.com/mila_ivanovskaya
Vadim is a psychologist and a sexologist:
https://t.me/psychomatters
