In this episode of the podcast, we explore the division of responsibilities in romantic partnerships.
It’s a topic we care deeply about — because over nearly five years of being together, we’ve tried many different approaches: from “one person does more” to “splitting everything 50/50”. It took us some time to figure out what works best for us.
We began by looking at the models that society typically offers. Most commonly, it’s the classic traditional setup: the man provides financially, while the woman takes care of everything else — the household, children, emotional wellbeing. But it’s worth remembering this wasn’t always the case. Even in prehistoric communities, around 90% of food came from women and children — who gathered berries, fruits, and hunted small animals. Mammoths didn’t show up every day. So the idea that being the “breadwinner” is exclusively a male role is more myth than fact. Maybe in one of the upcoming seasons, we’ll take a deeper dive into this from a historical and anthropological perspective.
We discussed where our ideas about family roles come from — how, in childhood, we observed different models. One of us had a mom who did everything: “bringing home the bacon”, running the household, and providing emotional care. The other didn’t have any examples of a dependent woman in her surroundings. This helps explain why the model of “one person doing it all” doesn’t work for us and can’t be a foundation for sustainable partnerships.
And this doesn’t only apply to heterosexual relationships. Even in LGBTQ+ couples, there can be an unspoken assignment of roles like “the one who earns money” and “the one who takes care of the household”. But that doesn’t always create balance.
We shared a personal example of when one of us was the sole income provider for two months — it was an exhausting, painful experience that clearly showed: this can’t be a way to live. It undermines the partnership.
We also talked about current trends like the “TradWife” — women who seem to embrace traditional roles. But when you look more closely, you see that many of them have their own personal brands, stable income, media exposure. And often behind the image of “spending three hours making a Snickers bar while holding a child” — there’s a nanny, a film crew, and a lot of money. So we ask ourselves: is this really their choice? And what will happen in 5–10 years?
Motherhood is often not seen as an achievement in society. When one of us became a director, people were impressed. When she gave birth to a child — it was just “a matter of fact”. But from the inside, both were equally significant milestones. And that also affects how roles are distributed in a family, and how we ourselves understand and interpret them.
At home, we eventually came to some pretty simple rules: we cook together if we have the energy. If neither of us does — we make something quick, still together. One of us usually does the grocery shopping, but that’s something we discussed — and if one of us is overwhelmed, the other takes on a different task.
Household chores actually caused the fewest conflicts. The bigger challenges were about kids and money. Kids also need to be “shared” in a way: who talks to them about tough topics, who handles the practical stuff, who makes sure agreed-upon rules are followed.
One of us shared how she felt that monitoring the rules fell entirely on her, and at some point, she had to explicitly ask for redistribution. There were also funny everyday situations — like a candy wrapper left in the fridge or a dirty glass on the table. For one of us, it caused confusion; for the other, it was just normal. But we talked it out, and over time, things aligned.
One of the most important topics we discussed was the appearance of a second significant adult in the children’s lives. It’s no longer just “your kids — your responsibility”, but shared parenting. But this didn’t come easily: at first, one of us made most of the decisions alone. Later, we began truly discussing everything together — and from that point, we both had more responsibility, but also more freedom and ease.
For example, when choosing a school for the younger child — we made that decision together: we researched, talked, made lists. And that had a big impact on the feeling of partnership within the family.
When it came to money, we tried a lot of things too: at first, we pooled everything together. Then one of us took on more, because “they’re her kids”. Then we tried splitting things 70/30, then 60/40 — none of it worked. After three months, we started to grow distant. But then we had an honest conversation and switched to a 50/50 split — in both earnings and responsibility. And it was a real relief.
Of course, sometimes one of us earns more, the other less. But overall, everything evens out over the year.
One of the most important realizations was that when one person carries more of the load — it’s crucial to care for yourself. We started practicing the idea of “paying yourself a tithe” — setting aside a small amount of money as a token of gratitude to yourself for your work. It helps prevent burnout and preserves your inner resources. We’re now trying to make it a habit.
To sum up — we came to the conclusion that sharing responsibilities isn’t something fixed once and for all. It’s an ongoing process of negotiation, revision, conversation, and honesty with each other. And yes, it can be hard. But in the end — it brings real ease, support, and partnership.
That’s exactly what we’ve tried to talk about throughout the entire season — across 10 episodes. Sharing responsibilities is about equality, freedom, respect, and choice. And also — about the sense of responsibility and the joy that comes when you’re truly in it together.
