In the seventh episode of the podcast, I talk about internalized misogyny and how to overcome it, the use of feminine word forms, female solidarity despite everything, and the so-called independent choice.
Under almost any media content discussing a situation involving a woman, you’ll find numerous aggressive and derogatory comments from men. But even more refined and cutting remarks often come from women. This behavior is easy to explain, but the third type of commenter always raises the question: “But you — you’re women yourselves — how can you join the lynch mob?”
When a society is structured in such a way that a particular group of people is not considered equal — that’s the key point, not considered equal — it leads to dislike, condescension, pity, or ridicule toward that group. Everyone learns to behave accordingly. If it’s common to make fun of women, women themselves will laugh along. If blaming them is normalized, women will join in the blame. In order to be accepted somewhere, you have to play by that environment’s rules — it helps you adapt better and secure yourself a slightly warmer place.
This is exactly the kind of situation where women distance themselves from their own group and try to appeal to the privileged group, as if to say, “We’re not like them, we’re different — we’re the good ones”.
Here’s a simple example outside of this context. Imagine you’ve started a new job in an unfamiliar team. You’re unlucky with your direct supervisors — they turn out to be toxic. Every day they’re unhappy with you, telling you that you’re clumsy, slow, and doing everything wrong. Now imagine being told, day after day, that you’re basically incompetent. How long would it take before you start doubting yourself?
That’s exactly how misogyny works: if the general atmosphere suggests that women are somehow lesser, eventually women themselves begin to believe it. I think that’s why many women avoid using the feminine forms of words. For example, they refuse to refer to themselves as “specialistesses”, “journalistesses”, “doctresses” or “architectesses”, on the basis that there is no need to “emphasise their genitals”. (What does it matter that I’m a woman? I’m a great worker! A great doctor or architect, just like any man!)
Notice how the “argument” about why we shouldn’t draw attention to genitals only ever comes up when feminists are demanding recognition of women’s contributions. In other words: there’s no need to highlight female genitals! But somehow, it’s always acceptable to emphasize male ones, isn’t it?
And so, because “man” sounds proud and strong, while “woman” — not so much, women subconsciously avoid using feminine word forms. “Architect” sounds respectable, but “architectess”? Not so much. “Director” sounds powerful, but “directoress”? Again, not quite. As if it’s a lesser version — a not-quite-architect, a not-quite-director. All of this stems from misogyny, where anything feminine is automatically seen as inferior.
The term “pick-me” is making the rounds lately — you’ve probably heard it. Translated from English, it literally means “pick me.” It refers to a type of behavior often seen in women who seek validation from men, try to meet male expectations, and, in doing so, belittle other women. They assert themselves by distancing from other women, claiming they’re “not like the others”.
Here, I’d like to bring up just how independent our opinions really are. We, as people, don’t exist in a vacuum. From birth — when we technically could form our own opinions without outside influence because we know absolutely nothing about the world we’ve just entered — we still can’t actually do that, for purely physiological reasons. By the time the brain is fully developed — ideally by adulthood — we are already saturated with all kinds of beliefs, rules, and norms of the society we live in. And honestly, that’s normal. After all, how could we survive if we didn’t know what’s acceptable, how things are done, how to behave, what to believe in, and so on?
Any opinion we hold is essentially a processed conclusion drawn from various pieces of information plus our personal experience, which helps us evaluate that information.
To develop critical thinking, you need a broad outlook, a lot of communication with different people — especially those unlike yourself — and a curious mind, so that you can first gather multiple, different viewpoints on the same issue. This creates an internal conflict: why do they say one thing here, something else there, and what I’ve seen with my own eyes is something entirely different? That’s how your own opinion is eventually formed — based on a vast amount of processed information. No one makes a choice in a vacuum.
I ask you to always take the side of women and show empathy. Even if the least you can do is walk past — then do that, walk past. There will always be someone ready to kick.
When I read news about a woman doing something terrible, I think about which patriarchal beliefs might have led her to it. Such reflections help ventilate emotions, prompt analysis and observation, and lead to personal insights — and what’s left is no longer negativity, just a statement of fact. These thoughts help us understand why things happen the way they do, rather than differently — and they reduce our own levels of resentment toward women.
Let’s try not to give in to the patriarchal mindset of putting women down.
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